Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
