he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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