I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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