When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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