im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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