Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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