I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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