I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
