Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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