I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
