you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
