just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
