The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
