Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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