you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
