Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
