My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
