Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
