Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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