drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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