Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
