hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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