I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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