made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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