i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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