we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
