My sheets look like a crime scene.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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