Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
