My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
