after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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