Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
