i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
