i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
