Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
