I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
