Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
