Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
