I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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