Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
