I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can text with my tongue
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
