Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
