I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
