If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
