my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
