I met the friendliest cop last night
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
