have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
