Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
