Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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