My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
