Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
